Don't feed the wildlife

I had a disturbing thought today. Well thoughts. I was getting ready for a hike and packing the usual: bug spray, flashlights, bandaids, etc. I was about to pack some cereal bars for a snack when I realized that food might not be the best thing to bring with me. What if the local bears wanted to eat my snacks? Here in Banff, there are bears everywhere. If you go camping in the woods they recommend you hang your food in a tree so it won't attract bears. But this is my question....don't I smell like food to them? What is the point of hiding my food if my whole body looks like an extra value meal at McDonald's to them? Then I wondered if I was an extra value meal, what kind of extra value meal would I be? What kind of extra value meal would you be?

Tips for surviving in a National Park..or how I snuck into one for free

After living in Banff for almost a month I've decided that I should share the pearls of wisdom that I've learned. These are the sorts of things most locals might not think of, but a "come from away-er" will pick up on instantly.

1. Nobody is called "come from away-er's" out here. Everyone is from away. The largest percentage of the Banff population is made up of Aussie chicks and French dudes. By French, I mean Quebec snowboarder dudes who are slightly out of place in July. If you want to blend in with this "local" population you need the following camoflauge:

• don't shower for at least a week.
• get dreds.
• wear only Roxy or Quiksilver.
• talk in a ridiculous accent and make out with all your co-workers.
  

2. When entering the park there are two lanes at the gates. The left lane is where you pay your park fees ($9.80 daily). The right lane is for traffic continuing on to British Columbia. ALWAYS take the right lane. It's an honour system. Fools.

3. The wildlife here will kill you, given the chance. This includes bears, cougars, wolves, coyotes, elk, deer and magpies. The magpies will peck your eyes out. And elk are not for riding. The month before I arrived, a guy had a cougar jump out of a tree at him. Not the post-menopausal cougar with a cocktail in hand, a real cougar. Though to be fair, who can say which is worse.

4. Invest in some good kleenex. I'm not sure if it is the dryness or the altitude difference but I've never had a nose bleed in my life and I get them daily now. Also, you'll get boogers the size of a loonie.

5. Get a whip and a cowboy hat so you can befriend the cowboys across the street. It also helps if you have a truck that you park half on the sidewalk everyday with a beer in hand.

6. Cheese is really really expensive. Get a Safeway card.

7. The closest Tim Horton's is in Canmore. That's about a 15-20 minute drive. Add on a 20 minute wait at the drive through if you hit it before noon. It's probably better if you buy the coffee grinds there and make it at home.

That's it for now, I'm sure that in the upcoming weeks I'll add a few more on. Cheers!